Wednesday, April 28, 2010

BabyStep 5: The Voices In My Head

I should have written this post yesterday, but my blog had other ideas.  A friend of mine notified me that she was having trouble commenting on a post, so I looked into what that problem could be.  (Incidentally, this is the same friend who introduced me to FlyLady years ago.  Her name is Kat from The Burb Blog.  Like the shameless plug?)  It seems to have been a problem with the template I had been using, so I started tinkering around with the HTML code trying to figure it out.  This was a mistake.

Let's just say I couldn't find the source of the problem within the miles of nonsense code, and the more I tried to fix it, the worse the problem became.  I ended up spending 8 hours trying to get the blog back up and running using the original template, but finally I had to admit my defeat.  This wasn't a case of my perfectionism getting in the way- the blog really was unreadable.  I designed a new background to look like the old template and went back to using good ol' Blogger Minima, with some adjustments.

Anyway, yesterday's BabyStep 5 was as to write down what the "nagging negative voices" in my head were saying, then turn those words around and say something nice to myself.

Um, hello?  Does anyone else get the impression that FlyLady thinks we are nuts?  I think it's the phrase "voices in your head" that does it for me.  I mean sure, sometimes the voices in my head tell me to burn things, but that doesn't mean I'm crazy!  Does it? 

Shut up. 

No, you shut up!  

Just kidding.

I do wish she had been a little more specific in her instructions.  Am I supposed to focus on the negative things I think about myself pertaining to the FlyLady program?  Or negative things in general?  Am I putting too much thought into this?  Here goes:

The Voices In My Head Say:

1.  I'm lazy.  It doesn't take much effort to do the things that need to be done, and yet, I still don't do them.

2.  I'm not good enough, overall.

I think that pretty much covers it, especially #2.  Now to put a positive spin on these inner demons:

1.  I'm not really lazy (most of the time).  I just feel overwhelmed and don't know where to begin, resulting in nothing getting done.  (Can you tell I have done FlyLady before?)  The other times, when I really am being lazy, it's OK.  Nobody has to be on the ball at all times,  and no one is going to die if the laundry isn't put away RIGHT NOW.  Or tomorrow.  Or next week...

2.  Yeah, this one gives me some trouble.  This is an issue I deal with on a daily basis, and have for years.  I basically feel like in every instance of my life- my looks, my personality, my relationships, my work, etc., I could have always been better than I am.  I don't even feel that this is being too hard on myself, because as much as others tell me that I did fine, I KNOW in my core that I could have tried harder or done better, but I just didn't want to.  And this makes me feel like crap.  I don't even know exactly how to negate this as per FlyLady's instructions.  I guess I could do the whole self-help mantra of "You are perfect just the way you are", but I personally think that's a cop out.  I mean, it can't possibly be true.  Imagine Hitler telling himself this and accepting it as being true.  Those of us on the outside can clearly see that it is a bunch of crap!  Not that I'm comparing myself to a Nazi dictator, but I hope you get my point...

OK, I think I have had enough of this bloggy baring of the soul.  I  feel all squirmy and uncomfortable now.  Thanks Flylady.


Anonymous,  May 31, 2010 at 11:46 AM  

I know exactly how you feel. I struggle with this one as well. That's one of the reasons I continue to be a Flybaby. Not so much for the clean house or organization as for the struggle to accept myself as I am and not get caught up in the perfectionism that whispers "You couldve done better".

My advice is to think of your accomplishments, and change the "could/would/should have" into "Go me!".

Can you tell I'm a Flylady Flunky too? Lol